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This will be criticizm filled coment. Be aware.
(P.s. lol at calling your dad Mufasa. That must have been the only line in this story. :D I cracked)
I understand this was written some time ago.. I doubt you'll ever read my comment, but whatever. Also I understand you were much younger few years back and maybe saw things differently.
This story is so f-ing exagerated..
First of all Thembi is portrayed whether as being really hateful or really dumb. Why exactly he came to conclusion the cub killed his queen? Why was that Karanga the ONLY one who understood it was an accident? Why other lionesses were stupid enough not to see that too?
How come Sarabi and Saf... even when they were grown up didn't understand that Thembi was just bullshitting them about Scar cub killing the queen? They would know by then that Hatiri or Scar could not possibly be blamed fot his mothers death.
It is not explained, why the hell 90% of characters are so stupid and dim witted.
2. I understand you tried to write emotional story.. but come on.. there are limits. You exagerated EVERYTHING!
It was painfult to read (and I don't speak painful, as I was feeling bad about Scar. It was painful to see you repeat the same mistake over and over again).
3. This was suppose to be tragedy .. yet.. We know, that tragedy is complete, when someone suffers because of their own flaw at some point. You were so close, but still didn't conclude it. Why Thembi didn't understand his mistake clearly at the end? Wasn't that the aim of the story? This to be somehow consistent you'd have to make Scar kill his father and laugh in his face or something .. that would be a tragedy.. or an irony.
Well .. as for last I must rant a bit about fanflicks in general. If you write one - try to write it so, that it doesn't change the events in the movie.
the attitude of characters, their actions etc. shouldn't contrast with things you write in a fanflick.
In your case - Scar. In movie - Scar seems to be quite pleased with his position in pride since he knows he'll be the next king and only starts to turn mad after Simba is born (direct competitor for Throne). He seems to be the vice-president kind of person, because he was first to announce death of Mufassa and start of his reign. So I doubt he was the last person in pride as you portray him.
And - if you look clearly - the only aim Scar is after is the Throne. The place of leadership. Mufasa was just an obstacle in his way. I didn't observe any hidden anger or revenge when Scar killed off him in the movie. He just, as we say, walked over dead bodies, towards his aim.
Crude, but logical, right?
(therefore sometimes it is better to write a story about events that are not so concerned with the main plot. Like Where hyenas went after TLK? See.. and you can write close to ANYTHING there.)
That's about it. Hard to imagine someone can write that and in the same time not have experienced something similar in their lives. (I hope you aren't? :D)